Freedom

a 6-pack of beer is the perfect amount. How’d they know? I guess that’s their job. I’m writing on this Grammarly software now and I’m already kind of pissed at it. They’ve already found “3 writing issues”. Good thing this was free. and now I’m done with it.

There we go, back on my liberating, all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world blog. Blog. Couldn’t they think of any other word to use for words on the internet?

Speaking of Millennialism, I did something drastic today. I called up Spectrum, my internet provider, and cancelled. They put up a good fight, offered a free TV box (for the first year!) or something. I held my ground. Starting in 5 days, the end of my billing cycle, I will have no internet. As well as Netflix, Hulu, Youtube, etc. I’m unplugging the Mcbangin’ 75 inch TV I bought a few months ago. Not selling it (c’man now), just letting it sit there holding the living room together.

I’m simply taking a break from having wifi; Vegging off wifi. When I need to upload something (for my job!) I’ll go to the coffee shop across the street. Done. The goal is to force myself to resort to books for entertainment when I’m bored. Reading is one of those things that doesn’t quite reward (entertain) you until you’ve sat down and got into it for at least 10-20 minutes. Like one of the 1800s western water pumps, you gotta put in a little effort, it’s not instant. But then you get sucked in and absorbed and it’s somehow better than a screen. Symbols on a page stimulating our mind with beautiful simplicity. Like Stand-up or the White stripes. Simplicity. Japan.

Of course, there’s a balance, and this is just an experiment. We’ll see how this goes, I can never tell. It’s always 50/50 for me when it comes to setting long-term goals. “4. Read More”

Hell, only pussies type things like that last paragraph. Will I ever learn to commit? Am I too hard on myself? Do I think too much?

Yes to all 3! Let’s learn to commit today.

A good friend told me the other day, “We’re never really free.” This was after I said, “What about free agency?” which was a response to her telling me to “take care of [my] health.” That was a good reminder. Self-discipline is freedom. You’ve heard that before somewhere. Most people have this line swimming around their subconscious.

Played some Death Cab in the background as I typed this. God damn they are kind of a bunch of whiny-bitch-as-pussies aren’t they. I guess everyone has their place though.

Finally got into Bukowski. His face and quotes scrambled across buzzfeed and instagram have always beckoned me to put him on the back burner. Started actually looking into his stuff (which now that I think about it, is really kind of a miracle, and completely random yet feels like destiny) after a long, fast night of solo-vodka shots with blue monster and it’s now 4am and I can’t sleep but I’m reading some of his stuff finally and it’s all finally hitting me. This is my guy. It was a book of poems that my friend let me borrow almost a year ago and I just so happen to pick it up and bring it to bed with me to help me fall asleep. Screens keep us up! Books help us sleep. I just kept reading and reading though. It soothed me. It inspired me. He inspired me. This was the kind of writing I enjoyed. First-person-bloggy-observational-Catcher-Rye-angsty-drunk type stuff. I felt like writing again.

So here I am. 🙂

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales

6:51 am

Los Angeles, CA

Rational

Depression is just this phase everyone goes through in life, either short or long, severe or mild, and can be a result of many different things, circumstances, brain chemistry, nature, nurture, negative thoughts, diet, drug abuse, etc. and can usually be treated with clean living (exercise, diet, sleep) and cognitive behavioral therapy (fancy term for attitude adjustment) and/or medications, as well as a healthy balance of work (that you’re preferably proud of and at least don’t hate), family, and friends.

Wow I should write a textbook or something. That is if I did write regularly. What’s it been, oh wow March 9th, and damn I left on a shitty post. An Artsy fartsy poetic “And” post. Oh well. That was that, and this is this.

I’m in a good place right now. It’s safe to say I’ve successfully ventured past my life of pranks and matured into a cringe-free format of interviewing people (who’d have thought?) that I actually look forward to filming and editing, the way it should be. And lo and behold, I’m blessed as can be, people are liking them. I’m home free, for the next few years at least. There’s plenty of eclectic guests to let me into their world for a quick hour. It’s all coming together.

Also, I took a break from vlogging. I haven’t vlogged in a month or so, not consistently anyway, and I left it off with a perfect-Like-ratio’d “i’m in a mood” vlog of me just rambling in a canoe on Loon Lake, much like The One That Got Away. A final farewell ramble that included many important things I needed to get off my chest. A nice potential finish to lahwfextra and vlogs once and for all, leaving only the main channel  to focus on making “cake, cream of the crop, quality content” for.

I keep saying I’m writing a book and stuff but I’ve only written little bits and pieces of a chapter here and another chapter there. Little notes in my phone. I haven’t really muscled through anything yet. I’m so terrified of writing, I can’t do it if I know it sucks and every time I do it, it’s just there in front of me, sucking, and it’s painful, so I stop. I’ll avoid it and do something else. But then it nags at me and I know I want to do it but I can’t, it’s very subtle. I’ll watch a movie in my apartment and it’s just there in the back of my head, nagging me. Write, Andrew, write. Fucking just do it. Then I’ll make a little progress by turning off the TV and at least picking up a book, but I’m still avoiding it. Then I’ll get tired and take a nap. I’ll wake up and Bonnie’s due for her tri-daily walk around the block so I’ll do that. We get back and I figure I might as well work out, shower, and Then I’ll write. I’ll be more awake and energized then anyway, exercise is important too. I get back from working out and I of course need to shower and then make myself a high-protein meal to help grow the muscles I just tore up so I’ll do all that. After that’s all done I check my phone, I check instagram for any new DMs, any comments, should I post a picture? E-mail, Twitter, I check the views on my latest videos, oh that’s right i need to buy a lint roller and rechargeable batteries and more apple cider vinegar off amazon, where I’ll then spend an hour or so shopping into rabbit holes, oh cool binoculars? I could use those on my balcony, *click*. I’m a little tired now, maybe I’ll now start to write something. Then Chad texts me, “wanna see this movie at 9:20pm?” I say sure and phew… that was a close one, almost had to write today. By the time I get home I’ll be too tired and will need to sleep. It’s better to have a well-rested mind for writing than a tired one anyway, this is the rational choice. I then watch Netflix for the next couple hours and then fall asleep.

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales

11:29 am

Los Angeles, CA

 

and

eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and syrup and hash browns and coffee and almond milk and spinach and blueberries and pizza and bagels and burgers and donuts and croissants and yogurt and bananas and pineapple and steak and chicken and quail and salad and cashews and peanuts and carrots and kale and mangos and granola and green tea and toast and mac and cheese and cereal and koolaid and iced tea and ice-cream and oatmeal and honey and hemp milk and butter and fries and chocolate and cherries and hot dogs and whole wheat and organic and oreos and celery and dressing and beer and wine and cocaine and heroin and narcotics and weed and supplements and drugs and protein powder and vitamins and minerals and nutrients and calories and energy and fat and cholesterol and skin care and magnetism and confidence and health and lifestyle and status and money and instagram and women and sex and fun and pleasure and happiness and love and loss and sadness and confusion and drama and sleeping and crying and watching and reading and waiting and talking and hanging and thinking and pondering and praying and writing and creating and expressing and smiling and dancing and walking and running and exercising and staring and listening and dreaming and art and skating and bitching and gnashing and whining and posting and uploading and vlogging and filming and editing and gaining and winning and advancing and evolving and learning and growing.

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales

7:51 pm

Los Angeles, CA

Wonderful

I had the best nap this morning. It was a one of those intensely euphoric 2-hour naps you can’t fight. Something triggered it, something I consumed. A combination of a brain supplements and Vyvanse, which was suppose to do the opposite but then backfired. No complaints. I woke up feeling great. It was 4:30am, perfect timing to start the day and get back on track. I took Bonnie on our routine, twice-daily walk. She’s incredibly easy to take care of now that she’s a trained adult. She always goes like clockwork on the grass outside the building. I bring her in one of three different coffee shops I always go within walking distance of my place and get my usual medium vanilla latte with almond milk. Everyone always adores her. “Ya she’s not shy at all” I say as she jumps all over them.

I got my blood work done with my new doctor/new insurance last week. All good except for my cholesterol. It’s just a little over normal range. I’ll have to take it easy on the burgers and ice-cream. I charged my phone and then did some tedious errands: Setting up my electricity, paying my phone bill, internet bill, putting things on autopay, canceling random channel subscriptions on amazon prime video, resetting passwords I forgot by having them send an e-mail, checking e-mails, sending e-mails.

As I go through these motions and fill up my day, I think about what I keep putting off. It’s there and I think about it, but I don’t do it. Not yet. I’m so comfortable that it doesn’t quite grab me. I’ll start to wonder why and fall back into doing something normal again, like doing the dishes. “I’ll do it but I need to clean my apartment first.” I keep putting it off and that doesn’t bother me. Once I’m done cleaning my dishes I’ll watch a movie and then go to bed. It’s wonderful.

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales

4:08pm

Los Angeles, CA

 

 

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Are you mad I’m writing this prayer out publicly? Naaa you’re not mad. Do you get mad? I would assume you have your emotions under control at this point in your existence. That reminds me, where did you come from? Or- nevermind. I guess I just wanted to say I’m grateful for this life you gave me, assuming it was you, and that you’re an actual being. I guess I could be talking to nothing or myself but all these years it’s always seemed like you were there when I prayed. I’ve considered the possibility that you might not exist but I think there’s about a 60% chance you or something is going on here. I do know I always feel better after talking to you. Even if it is simply just another form of meditation and I’m just talking to myself, I don’t regret it. Anyway, again, I just wanted to say thank you. Through all the ups and downs so far I think it’s been a pretty good life. Is this starting to bore you? Do you get bored? I mean what is your deal like what do you do all day. What does God do for fun? I imagine you would have a good sense of humor. I look forward to meeting you. Hopefully, I don’t die until I’m 90 or so but you never know. Or do you? I’ve heard you know the future. Like what? I look forward to you explaining that one. Or maybe that’s just a typo in the doctrine of man. Maybe you’re nothing like the doctrine and the scriptures really were just metaphors and stories written by monks and authorities in the old times. I guess we’ll see. Well, we might not actually see, I guess there could just be nothing, but naturally, that doesn’t seem logical. I don’t feel like my soul is ever going to just Not exist. Ya know? You know. Um oh ya, can you bless all my friends and family and everyone else and comfort them and stuff and help them find peace and happiness and meaning? Ok, sweet thank you. Byeee. Just kidding that’s just a popular thing the kids are saying these days -wait- I guess you know everything anyway. Ok. I love you. Amen.

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales

7:12pm

Los Angeles, CA

Cool

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”

– Jack Kerouac On the Road

I remember recording myself reciting this quote on our family’s iMac in high school. I put it on my shuffle as a single .mp3 without any other songs so that it would just keep repeating itself in my ear as I fell asleep. I was 16. The idea was to brand it deep into my subconscious with the hope of it manifesting some outer effect on my behavior. I wanted to be cool. I wasn’t outgoing and figured this would help. I’m not sure whether it did have an effect on me, but I definitely still consciously tried to be cool. I mean I still do, just less deliberately.

Everyone’s concept of cool is different and mine was that: “Mad ones…mad to live…desirous of everything at the same time…burn, burn, burn…” Basically, people who live in the moment. Rockstars, vagabonds, artists, outcasts, hippies, rebels, tyrants. Cool people. Interesting people that live their own life and say what they want. That’s my idea of cool. Or it was.

Can people change? It’s kind of a mystery. Sometimes I get in these moods and get all amped to do nothing wrong, be all healthy, think long-term, logical. Make rational, boring decisions on the road to SUCCESS! Then the next day I’m back to my normal ‘Fun World’ paradigm. Do we strive to be better? Or do we just enjoy the ride and go with the flow? Can there be a balance?

Tell me this. If one guy lives his life eating bagels and cream cheese with coffee and cream every morning and he’s happy BUT he has a dad bod and dies of a heart attack at 60, and there’s another guy who eats healthy but he’s a little less happy because he can’t eat bagels and people also automatically assume he’s a douche because of his six-pack and he dies at say 80 (wow nice 20 more years of being old!) Which is better? I think about this stuff.

Thanks for Reading,

Andrew Hales

6:26 am

Los Angeles, CA

 

 

 

 

Deja Vu

I always end up embarrassing myself. I’ll look back at some posts and vlogs and just wanna take it all down. Go hide somewhere for a while. Social Media: Can’t live with it, can’t live without it. People that proudly proclaim “I don’t give a Fuck what people think of me” usually care the most. It’s so easy to see. Inevitably, human nature requires a feeling of belonging. No one wants to be cast out of the tribe. When you have something to confirm your inclusion, people evidently ‘Liking’ you, it keeps that insecurity at bay. At the same time, it never seems to be enough.

Luckily, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve slowly learned to care more about the important character traits in people. Honest, considerate, and kind have started to triumph over funny, famous, and hAWT. I’ve met some truly boring people out here in L.A. Good-looking people with million+ Instagrams/Youtube/etc. with nothing to say. All they want is more. I’ll recognize these tendencies in myself and that frustrates me.

I just had a crazy wave of Deja Vu pass over me. Deja Vu is fucked. Help.

Thanks for Reading,

Andrew Hales

1:58am

Los Angeles