“What’s that?” My girlfriend asks pointing to the (now open) middle console.
I had strategically placed two Lexapro there to take discreetly while I visited her in Long Beach for the weekend. I take one a day, everyday.
“Oh that’s Lexapro, it’s an anti-depressant, I actually haven’t taken one today,” grabbing one and popping it in my mouth as nonchalantly as I could, as if I wasn’t hiding the fact that I take anti-depressants from her. I watched her face sink as I washed it down with a stray water bottle.
“Wow dang that suucks.” She wasn’t pleased. “What would happen if you stopped taking them?”
“I would just…be more…depressed than I already am!” a raise and smirk in my expression, trying to lighten the mood. She giggled a little.
“You’re not depressed though.”
“I know it’s because I take them.”
“Whatever, it’s a placebo.”
It’s difficult to describe what clinical Depression feels like because once you’re out of it and thinking clearly again, it’s hard to comprehend and remember how bad it really was. Your complete state of mind is in another dimension by itself. You’re entire reality is painted in relentless, ruthless negativity. The glass is half-empty and you simply can’t see it any other way.
I think the reason I started writing this post is because I’ve lately started to feel the Lexapro wearing off. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew it eventually would. Taking a pill to solve your inner struggle/growth?/am I really depressed or not-who knows!) with life is simply too good to be true. The natural laws of the universe won’t allow it.
Ok so I’ll taper off. I’ll be completely ‘sober’ again. Clean. Hell let’s maybe even kick coffee. Maybe if I simply stick to exercising hard as fuck everyday, drink lots of water, sleep, don’t prank people, don’t even worry about Youtube, just hide out and wait it out, write, read, be alone, over time my neurotransmitters will heal. I’ll achieve Homeostasis.
I won’t laugh as much. I’ll be more serious. Quiet. I’ll stop weed completely. I won’t be able to handle it anymore anyway. I’ll stop drinking, well, I dunno about that. I’ll probably want to drink more. There is this thing people have told me about called self-control though. I should look into that.
I’m not worried. In fact, I’m a little excited. Music will sound better. Movies will be more moving. My orgasms will be more intense. It’s sounds totally backwards but I’ve kind of missed being miserable.
Oh well. Bring it on.
Thanks for reading,
Los Angeles, CA
5 thoughts on “Homeostasis”
“It’s difficult to describe what clinical Depression feels like because once you’re out of it and thinking clearly again, it’s hard to comprehend and remember how bad it really was” YUP. “It’s sounds totally backwards but I’ve kind of missed being miserable.” YUUUP, I can relate. I alternate between three states of mind: feeling good/ok, feeling miserably depressed and feeling apathetic/empty. The apathetic state usually lasts the longest, though. It can go on for months on end. I hate it the most (I think), I hate feeling empty and not caring, I hate that everything is meaningless, but you don’t really care about it either, I hate how everything is a blur and it feels like you’re stuck in time even though it also feels like days go by faster than usual… I hate the fogginess and not feeling anything properly… everything is superficial at best. I could go on for hours. At least when I’m really depressed, I’m… depressed! It’s a whole different thing, I’m not completely empty anymore, I’m SAD, and I’m sad because I care about things. It’s absolutely terrible, but at least it’s an escape from the soulless void of a person you became. Apathy fucks with your mind, but feeling depressed is like going back to your cocoon, in a sense. If it goes on for too long, I’ll probably want to go back to not feeling anything, though haha. I know the chances of you responding to this are slim to none, but are you diagnosed with dysthymia? I am.
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Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don’t. They want to be unhappy to confirm they’re depressed. If they were happy they couldn’t be depressed anymore. They’d have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.
also,I can relate to the fact that you miss being miserable..
I can relate to this