Moment of Clarity

Here it is Tanya. I mean Anna. That’s what we’ll say your name was. No one gives a fuck. “Did you write?” Here it fuckin is. This is like crack to you isn’t it. You’ve been waiting for this shit. I’ll write a whole novel for you babe. knock yourself out. “Did you write today?” your face burning pink with irritation. To live is to suffer right Tanya. I’ll write so much your eyes start to droop and you’ll stop reading out of boredom. You know you broke my heart first right. That first weekend in December when we looked at apartments for you in Long Beach. You got mad when I answered “no probably not” to if I’d ever consider just being friends. “You’re the kind of guy that cries aren’t you.” That was a bad day. Damn, this girl doesn’t actually like me. I remember running through all the nasty remarks you made that day in my head and almost sending the epic “let’s take a break” text that night but then decided to sleep on it. Everyone has flaws, she just gets a little moody sometimes. I remember how nervous you used to get when we first started hanging out and how fast you would start talking. I would just sit there and let you get it out of your system. It was so cute. It reminded me of my mom who’s also a loud extrovert as well as a proud goody-two-shoes. I felt so lucky. Here’s this beautiful funny Russian girl and she’s actually nervous around me. Your boisterous unapologetic laugh was music to my ears. Ti ti ti ti ti ti. Ooooook. After 20 minutes the dust would settle and our minds would effortlessly sync up. The inside jokes started piling up from the get-go. True banter. I remember when you slapped me across the face because I let my hands wander too much as we kissed on that first date. Wow, a woman of principleI texted a heart as you uber’d home and you texted one right back. We agreed to hang out a few days later.

“Did you write today?” You took the fun out of writing. “Did you Paint today?” How annoying would that get if I asked that all the time. It’s supposed to be fun. This is a hobby. I don’t make money from this. Do you see any ads on this site? This is a pure hobby. Don’t ruin that for me. Reading and Writing. Leisure. I asked Chris Chann why he didn’t stick to a schedule and he answered because it would take the fun and passion out of it. That makes a lot of sense to me. I work from home. That’s a foreign concept to you. People that work from home. I don’t have a boss. You do. You like having a boss. You like structure. I like structure when I’m on Adderall, but that’s about it. Otherwise, I’m a free-thinking wondering lost spirit soul hipster fuck. Coffee and books and film. Skating and Basketball and running. Fun world. I’ve made it. You have not. You don’t want to make it. You like working for work’s sake. You like that state of mind as an escape from something. Staying busy. Drugs are an easy to way to experience difference perspectives and points of view. I feel like I tap into how every mathematical left-brain person feels when I take Adderall. It makes “work” fun. Do the dishes, cleaning in general, waiting tables, editing, anything that requires focus, it makes it fun. When I’m off it I’m back to my lazy couch potato a.d.d. self that just wants to have normal fun. It’s nearly impossible to sincerely, wholeheartedly laugh on Adderall. Robotic-serious-down-to-business-no-nonsense-fuck. Wacky World is gone. Off it I can relax and have my soul back.

I’m sitting in Starbucks. I don’t care that it’s a corporation. Corporations create jobs. Our environment is wealthier as a whole because of corporations. Fuck off, hippie. Hashtag Capitalism Tangent. Sorry, there’s Pros & Cons of each I didn’t mean to get an argument. I’ve been earning points with my Starbucks app. I’ve earned about 5 free drink rewards now. It’s fun. I’ll do all the little ‘buy 3 lattes before this date and win 100 bonus stars’ games and win the extra points. Then I’ll use the reward (125 stars) on an expensive grande triple shot, almond milk, hazelnut latte with only 1 pump of syrup. Sugar kills. We all need to stop eating sugar, bread, and beef. Sugar though, seriously, sugar addiction is real. I’ve tried to go a few days without it and I’ll start getting this awful seizure like headaches and won’t be able to focus on anything. Try it, you’ll see. We are all addicted to sugar.

I’ve lost weight, though. I run almost every day for at least a mile. Then I’ll do kettlebell swings. I’ll play fetch with Bonnie, who could probably play fetch all day. Hey that could make a funny experiment. Timelapse it. Hey I’m Andrew Hales and today we’re going to see just how long Bonnie is willing to play fetch with me. The key to keep uploading. Keep writing. Keep running. Keep living. I watched three new documentaries over the last few weeks that I really liked. Tickled, Crash Reel, and Exit Through the Gift Shop. Tickled is somewhat like Catfish, Crash Reel is about a professional snowboarder recovering from a terrible crash that left him with a brain injury, and Exit Through the Gift Shop is about whether Art is all hype or actually asthetically beautiful. Something like that. They were all excellent though. I love docs.

Are you still reading, Anna? You want me to talk about you some more don’t you. Of course I do lil stupid. That’s ok, I’m over you now. Maybe someday you’ll get over yourself. That’s not savage, you really are a little too hyped about yourself.

Sometimes I wake up and start writing and have no idea why I’ve been stalling this whole time. and then I think that’s just life running it’s course. Let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy the ride. Stop trying to control everything so much. But we need to believe we have free will right? Meh, I don’t care anymore. Life is a movie. Time will tell. It has been told. On to the next chapter. Onward and upward. That was that and this is this. Don’t live in the past. Be here now. Get excited about the future. Don’t be mad it’s over, be glad it happened. It was fun while it lasted.

Thanks For Reading,

Andrew Hales


Los Angeles, CA

4 thoughts on “Moment of Clarity

  1. Always a good day to get an email saying you’ve posted again. I feel like we have a similar way of thinking, we enjoy writing what’s in our heads if nothing else but to get it out there. Anyway, I just wanted to show some appreciation to ya man. Oh and if you haven’t checked out “Motivation 2: The Chris Cole Story” then get off your lazy ass and check it out, theres some sick old footage of him skating at love park and he was killing it. All the best man.




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